Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of selling heroin to the unions has been perpetrated by gangs of black youths.

The Mail can reveal that gangs of black youths are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

John Major said of the gangs of black youths, "we are a grandmother".